Lesson 1 · 7 min
What happened, and why it still hurts this much
Name the part of finding out that hurts most, look after the basics, and shrink big decisions down to the next small one.
For partners · free
If you found out about your partner's porn use, this is for you.
Twelve short video lessons, about an hour and a half in all. Free, with no sign-up. They are about your own footing and your own decisions, whatever you end up deciding about the relationship.
If you feel unsafe, or you are afraid of your partner, or you are thinking about harming yourself, call your local emergency number now, or find a free crisis line in your country at findahelpline.com.
Finding out can turn your world upside down. Pictures you didn't ask for. Questions that won't stop. A sense that something about you is being judged. These lessons take each of those in turn, at a pace you choose.
None of it depends on what your partner does. You can watch in order, or start with the lesson you need most tonight.
Written by Angus Munro, clinical psychologist. On screen, the lessons are presented by an avatar with a computer-generated voice. This is education, not therapy. If you need support of your own, a doctor or a psychologist where you live can help.
The lessons
Twelve lessons. Start anywhere.
- 01What happened, and why it still hurts this much7 min
- 02When your mind won't stop: pictures, replays and questions that loop9 min
- 03Getting through the spikes9 min
- 04It was never a verdict on you8 min
- 05Stay on your own side: the Check-In6 min
- 06Questions, answers, and why checking never settles it8 min
- 07What your partner is dealing with, when you're ready9 min
- 08Agreements and boundaries that keep your choices yours11 min
- 09Trust: telling real change from a performance8 min
- 10Closeness, sex and your own body7 min
- 11Stay, wait or leave: making the decision instead of drifting into it8 min
- 12A life that stays yours4 min
Lesson 2 · 9 min
When your mind won't stop: pictures, replays and questions that loop
Learn what to do when pictures and questions about what happened keep coming back, and how to tell a useful question from a loop.
Lesson 3 · 9 min
Getting through the spikes
Learn what to do when a sudden surge of distress hits, and why big decisions should wait until you can think clearly again.
Lesson 4 · 8 min
It was never a verdict on you
Look hard at the "I wasn't enough" verdict, why the comparison with porn is unfair, and why fixing this with sex isn't your job.
Lesson 5 · 6 min
Stay on your own side: the Check-In
Learn the Check-In, a short practice you repeat a few times a day to stay on your own side while things are uncertain.
Lesson 6 · 8 min
Questions, answers, and why checking never settles it
Learn which facts you have a right to, how to ask one question at a time, and why checking on your partner never settles it.
Lesson 7 · 9 min
What your partner is dealing with, when you're ready
When you're ready, learn why stopping is hard and why people hide it, without excusing anything, to inform your own decisions.
Lesson 8 · 11 min
Agreements and boundaries that keep your choices yours
Learn how a boundary (what you will do) differs from a request or an agreement, and how to make agreements clear and specific.
Lesson 9 · 8 min
Trust: telling real change from a performance
Learn to tell real change from a show by noticing small, everyday follow-through over weeks, and keep that separate from deciding to stay.
Lesson 10 · 7 min
Closeness, sex and your own body
Your body is yours: learn to handle the fear of being compared and, if you want, come back to closeness at your own pace.
Lesson 11 · 8 min
Stay, wait or leave: making the decision instead of drifting into it
Make the choice to stay, wait or leave on purpose and on your own terms, knowing the program has no preferred answer.
Lesson 12 · 4 min
A life that stays yours
Take back parts of your life that got put on hold, one small step at a time, whether you stay, leave or haven't decided.
You didn't ask for this. You still get to decide how you respond.
If you have questions, the FAQ may help. If your partner wants to work on their side of this, the main course is described here. You never need to buy anything to use these lessons.
Education and self-help. Written by a clinical psychologist, it is not therapy and does not replace care from a professional where you live.